Micah Takes On Match.Com

I had to ask myself an important question the other day. Did I just pay for sex? I mean, did I just commit a felony and give in to prostitution? Do I need to run for governor of New York? The reason I asked myself this was realizing I had signed up for Match.com and it resulted in the union of the birds and the bees (S-E-X). It started out innocently enough. I was dumped by my over controlling girlfriend of six months. You may be asking yourself; Only six months? That’s nothing! However, to me six months meant everything. If you dared me to get engaged in six months I could probably do it. That’s not to say that me getting dumped wasn’t a long time coming, but it always hurts no matter how and why I deserved it. So to follow a good friend’s example, I decided to find the answers to all of my problems at the bottom of my favorite bottle of tequila. One thing led to another and literally no less than a week after relationship freedom I was signed up for Match.com. Why Match? Why not eHarmony? Or one of the countless others? I couldn’t tell you; I can’t replicate my rational thinking that night unless I am under the awesome influence of tequila. Importantly, I needed to figure out how much I wanted to pay for the subscription. Now people have tended to call me cheap, but I prefer to say that I love a good deal (OK Fine, I am cheap). And at 2 in the morning, trying to chug all the water in the world, I saw a 6 month membership for basically the same cost as paying monthly for 2 and a half months. GOAL. I just saved 60 bucks. I make my profile and pass out with dreams of being matched by 7 am and running down the fields of blissful internet love.

I wake up at 9 am (which surprised me considering I had drank all of Mexico the night before). The first thing I do is what millions of people do first thing in the morning, make love to my Gmail account. What is the first thing I see? Confirmation emails of my 100 bucks I drunkenly sent to Match.com. FUCK! Why did I just pay to meet a girl online when I can pay 40 bucks at a bar and probably handle everything a lot more precisely? After two days, I rationalize and realize I should use it since I bought it. So I edit my profile, which contained enough grammar mistakes that made me ponder how I managed to graduate from college. I then do a search and discover the magic of Match. I can hand select my targets. Not blonde? Not getting my “wink”. Best feature “chest”, you get an email. Not exactly 5′8″, then obviously your personality doesn’t fit mine. So I spend 30 minutes hand selecting who gets an email asking to go for a drink.

A week later and no replies. What gives? Who’s doing the cockblocking? I try again, but with a softer approach. I hand selected another ten girls, read their profiles and send out emails that ask them about their lives. By week two I get one reply. The reply was a sole question……why doesn’t your profile show up? Turns out you can’t put your name in your profile, especially your full name as your screen name, which Match had failed to mention during my drunken sign up. My bad. So by week 3, we are up and running. Although now I can’t remember who I’ve mass messaged and who I haven’t. I decide to take the gentleman approach and just message one lady per day and ask all about her. We are in business. I start getting winks. I start getting return emails. One lady in particular hits it off with me. Probably 30 emails in 3 days. We decide to meet. Moral of the story, emails can be deceiving, and so can pictures. Her pictures weren’t exactly that far off, but I had perceived her personality to be a little different than what she had given me in our e-mail exchanges. I realized that no amount of proofreading can tell you how a person will use their brain, or NOT use their brain. Not a problem, I’m just here for friends right? I’m doing this the right way; I paid 100 bucks, might as well have a solid relationship out of this. I am trying to get engaged in six months here remember? (Part II coming soon…..)

By Micah Miller

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